Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.