Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
cats when you pet them too long:
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color