The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My first son he is wonderful
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If only
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
#Caturday