“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
that wasn’t the question
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*