14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of