friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.