Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My daily affirmation
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.