Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Meowchelangelo
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.