*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
nobody’s gonna understand
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”