[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?