[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.