ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
yall want some gasoline milk
![]()
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok