Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0