I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Nose
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.