If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Important
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”