what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
why am I working on Labor Day
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”