[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I came this close!!!!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.