Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
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[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Cool shirt 🙂
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then