Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.