Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
You Might Also Like
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
So inspired right now.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
How do you like your Corgi?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.