I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
o shit
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.