superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
He a real one for that
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property