Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ