I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”