George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.