Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.