Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
📽️movie date🎞️
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.