Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.