There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
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