If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.