I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?