the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.