friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
This has made my week.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao