*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
so this horse walks into a bar
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”