me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot