“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*