[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
You Might Also Like
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Thoughts
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Mornin
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.