Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.