No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
December birthdays be like…
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.