Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If looks could kill
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
listen closely
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t