If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions