My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
who did the taste test?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.