I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Had an epiphany today.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
*exercises sarcastically*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.