Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Bringing home a sharpie
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.