Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
THE AUDACITY. 😤
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
How do you milk an almond?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.