Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair