[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”