Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around