Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
(yawn)
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW