SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
It’s a gift
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?